This week we’ll be talking about Christina Hendricks’ boobs using the True Boob Planetary Model of Intergalactic Bustlines. Let’s go exploring. Every female body in the universe is the creator of a boob planet — a dynamic environment which reflects the size of their breasts from the age of consent until their Golden Age passes. The red hot core of the planet is the size of the breast itself, unaffected by fashion and other outside influence. But adding to the planet’s size is also its crust, which surrounds the core and reflects exaggeration to the breast by bras and other structured fabric.
Boob planets have unstable cores which chaotically expand and contract with weight fluctuation, hormone balance, and age. The size of planet Hendricks’ core (its True Boob) depends on when in its history we’re looking at it. One month it may bloat to obscenity, while another month it will have relaxed back and settled a bit. We’ll be covering dynamic phases of Hendricks’ core when we arrive to it. But first, we have to get through the crust.
At its outermost point, a boob planet’s crust is the largest amount the boob has ever been exaggerated during its lifetime. As we travel down through the crust, layer by layer of plumping, hoisting and padding get stripped away as we get closer to the core, until we’ve reached the True Boob itself — a point of no embellishment at the center of the planet. You might expect planet Hendricks’ crust to be quite thick, like I did.
A “tit” is a unit of measurement used to calculate the thickness of a planet’s crust in proportion to the size of its core. For example, I would’ve predicted Hendricks’ crust to be 80 tits thick, surpassing even JL Hewitt levels of exaggeration. But in reality, the core itself is actually quite large. Pushup bras have been used religiously during its lifespan, but there’s a substantial infrastructure underneath those bras. Planet Hendricks’ core is big enough to meet our expectations under its own steam. But that doesn’t mean things haven’t gotten a little crazy. Its crust is approximately 40 tits deep.
So let’s start there, on the surface of the planet 40 tits above the True Boob core. The view is wide and cavernous here where her boobs have been enhanced the most. These are the Great Valleys of Planet Hendricks.
You can see the appeal. Even with True Boob’s staunch position against pushup bras, it’s hard to argue with such success. There’s a boobological formula used to calculate how much volume is required before hoisting a bust up to such great heights makes the mystifying transition from desperate to sexy. And she’s the model for the sexy side of that curve. While some women bolt spoilers onto their tricycle, Christina Hendricks has the sports car to properly pull it off.