Jessica Alba nude

The True Boob — an investigation into the chest of Jessica Alba

Let’s talk about Jessica Alba’s boobs. I don’t think they’re something she’s really known for. I have a boob collection — of course — and she’s not in it. Hers are fine, but she’s also hot everywhere else, so it’s more difficult for them to get special attention. But while Jessica Alba’s boobs aren’t very interesting, as a boobologist, Jessica Alba’s boobs being Jessica Alba’s boobs is very interesting to me. She was the biggest sex symbol of her time, someone who at any one point in time could have had hundreds of millions of people wondering what was really going on under there. And so for the sake of humanity, it’s our job to gather all of the information available and get to the bottom of this boob puzzle. What did Jessica Alba’s boobs really look like? So where do we start? Well, how about the beginning.

Here they are. There’s Jessica Alba’s boobs, everyone. I found them on an Angelfire page somewhere. We can all go home now. See you next time.

No, it’s a lie. A lie told by a padded top. Want more early career lies? Watch the TV show Dark Angel.

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It debuted in 2000, and she came out of nowhere. A once in a generation beauty.

But even back then, I knew they were messing around with her chest on that show. She often looked busty, but there was always too much structure around her boobs. Those bras weren’t there to support…they were there to deceive. They might as well have been filled with popcorn.

In 2003, MTV Diaries showcased her hotness with a bikini shoot. She’s well known now for her bikinis, but this was the first time that I had seen her in one (I missed out on Flipper). This was a whole new level of information…but still, I wasn’t convinced. I’m probably going to be talking a lot about bikinis. The appeal is simple — in a bikini, there’s less material between the boobs and your eye. And it’s often less deceptive. A good bikini supports the boobs, but it doesn’t aggressively shape it. Unfortunately, some of them have a lot of padding and are harder to get a read on, but in general a bikini is usually a whole different ballgame than a bra.

So the MTV segment was better than anything I had seen, but even still her top had enough layer to it and you’re still not sure if it’s all her. The heft to her chest as she lies back flat on the boat could more bikini than bust. And when you’re dealing with small boobs, a few extra centimeters of thick material can be a total gamechanger.

Into the Blue, Jessica’s big bikini feature from 2005. Here are 2 different pictures of one of the bikinis from the movie.

These scenes are from 2007 in Awake, and they’re the hottest ones she’s ever done. And boob-wise, she looks even bigger than her supposed Maxim boobs in 2003. This isn’t exactly what I was expecting. Boobs do change over time, though, and sometimes in unpredictable ways. Boobs are very delicate. Weight loss, weight gain, aging…they all can shape them. So it’s hard to completely confirm Maxim while comparing them to Awake, which was 4 long boobs years later. But at least we now have a reliable point of reference.
The Golden Age of Alba was 2003-2007. She was, and still is, a remarkably attractive woman. Personally, I don’t find that see thru shot to be particularly sexy, but it completely legitimizes her entire boob library. Jessica was never as much of a prude as people have given her crap for. At all, in fact.
The MTV boobs were hers.
The Maxim boobs were hers.
Hell, with a few extra pounds that first bikini picture might’ve been her too (but probably not). But even without the big wardrobe malfunction, there was still enough data throughout even just her early career to get a really good read.
Here are some where her boobs are accentuated, but I think you’re allowed a bra or two after all of this.
Now, I know there’s more stuff out there. Pictures that were taken by her without the intention of anyone else seeing them. But while I don’t mind evaluating “work” that has been freely released to the public — being hot is part of Jessica Alba’s job and she gets paid well to do it — I won’t use any leaked photos in this series. Wardrobe malfunctions are dubious enough, but stolen images are a big no no. And if we ever do Kat Dennings, that policy’s going to be a real bitch.
Or Christina Hendricks. Now that’s a true True Boob puzzle. Until next time.

The fappening